FRUSTRATION, absolute frustration, with everything.
I cant even see straight right now, Im so irritated. I feel like not being home, I feel like seeing a friend I could easily vent everything to.. but the thing is.. these days, I dont have that friend anymore. Then theres work, then theres school, then theres all these things that I should be doing, wished I was doing, and so forth. Nothing feels right anymore. Idk why.. I need to finish school up and I will next week and then maybe, hopefully… everything will make a little more sense. I just want fall term to start, so I can get on with life.
Sometimes, I wonder if my job is the right place for me.. sometimes I dont agree with everything that happens and the way that we do things. Sometimes, I just get so pissed off with my boss that I’m like “WTF would you like me to do? I already work my ass off for you.” but i guess thats just life and thats how it would be anywhere, never good enough. Oh fucking well.
something that will turn your world upside down & make you feel like you’ve never felt before.
something sweet & tender. something fun & silly.
something amazing is on its way. get ready.
I spend a lot of time wondering why life leads us to the places and the paths that it does and somewhere within myself I always know the answer.. even if Im not willing to dig deep enough to find it every time. Some people bring it out in me, the people that I need and should have in my life. Lately, life has taken a turn for things that I dont need or want.. I wasnt being myself, I wasnt standing up for what I believe, I havent been fighting for what I know is right. I’m going to focus on putting everything back into place. yes, it wont be exactly the same.. nothing ever is, but Im going to get back the pieces, the people, the places and all the important things, the things worthy of my time, the things that I need in my life to make it whole, to make it into everything its capable of becoming.. I have to make the most of it. Moping and not being what I am and who I am and not completing what I know Im capable of and not going after what I want and not having faith and love in my life. I want to go back to smiling everyday, no matter the circumstances, no matter how im feeling.. I want to see the good and the brightside of the situation. I always used to say someone always has it worse than me, so whats there to be upset for? and I dont know why I ever stopped thinking that way. Alot of things need fixing right now.. alot needs to be put back on track but Im ready to put it there. Starting now, starting right this instant.. Im going to be Hilary, that happy go lucky wonderful gal. That one that everyone could always come to for some advice or even just a shoulder to lean on, the one that always lent a friendly smile to even just passerbys.. thats who I am and Im finally realizing that life, for a period of time, has been kind of wacky and messed up. Everything is tangled.. So im going to untangle it. I’ve never felt more ready to focus on me and my life and dreams than I do right now.. I dont know where its going, I dont know exactly what I want out of life or how I want it to end up.. but I know that with God, books, baking, and a paper and pen I will be happy and thats all I need to know right now. Sometimes I wonder if Im leading the life I should, and really its not worth wondering over because at the end of the day you know if what you’re doing is right, you know because of your faith, and you know because it feels right within you. Im done settling for what doesnt feel right.. what you’re meant to be, what you’re meant to do, who you’re meant to spend your ldays and months and years with.. you just know. So thats what and who Im keeping in my life from now on.. the ones that make me just know.