Life’s Guarentees.
I really really wish I could take the innerworkings of my mind and explain them to you. I want to.
I think sometimes that if I could show, literally capture the ways in which the strings of my mind flow to one another and how hard it is to get even one of them to align with my heart. If I could just explain that.. maybe you would understand what I’m feeling, why I’m so willing. Maybe. But who knows right? Not me. Not you. Not us. No one. Anywhere.
Does anyone really know anything at all though? Or do we all just assume that what we know is known because someone has told us so, or popular belief says so? We can’t say anything. We can’t know anything. We just can’t.
We feel it. We think it. We touch people in our lives that we don’t even know we are touching. We reach out. We fall apart and more often then not the people you least expect to are the ones who catch you when you fall. But can we know that either? Can we know or understand what we think? What we feel? No. We might think we do. We might think we understand love, lust, falling, hurting, happiness… you can pretend you’ve lived enough life to get even one of those but you don’t. You can spend your time thinking about how to acquire them, searching the world for them; you can even assume you have them and end up wrong. Maybe we aren’t here to end up with someone who was made for us. Maybe we are not here to churn our minds for ideas on life’s miniscule details. Maybe we are here to just feel them. To just feel. To want to understand that… to think, maybe that’s a curse. Maybe what we are meant to do is to just be ourselves. To feel what we feel and to bask in it. Bask in the fact that you even have the ability to feel that much. Because that is what’s beautiful. Maybe that’s life.
Obviously, Life is never going to be what you want or take you where you want to go. It’s going to take you further, if you let it. I can’t know now what will happen years later. Neither can you. Live for the day. Push and pull as needed. Bask in what you feel and use your mind wisely. Life isn’t cookie cutter shapes. It’s more like the mess of combined cookies that come out of the oven, each individual shape having blended with the next.
Live life to mix it up. Maybe If you mix it well enough, you’ll learn something not just about life but about yourself and who you are. And really that’s all you can ask for. To understand who you are. Nothing else will ever be understood. Even if you try. Even if you pull your hairs out with calculations, there are no patterns to life. There are no guarentees. Risk. Vulnerability. Unknowns. They keep it interesting, right?
If you could map your whole life out and now exactly how each person would react to each action you made and each step you took.. you wouldn’t be living. That wouldn’t be life. Sometimes, it just doesnt make sense. Sometimes you don’t know why but you know you have to. Sometimes you can miss someone and not know when you’ll see them next and never be okay with that but never give it up either. Sometimes you can feel something and have no explanation as to why.
Sometimes, when you feel something that strong, something that powerful, something you can hardly bare to feel…
Then you know. Then you understand: That’s life. And that’s all that will ever be guarenteed.
*This was one hundred percent the ideas in my mind. I sat here and typed what I felt and what I was thinking. No rough drafts. No read through. No checking for mistakes. So, if you find some, sorry. But this just needed to be said.
